Make The Most Of Things
by ButterscotchFox
Summary: Christmas story! Since the camp gets closed in the winter, Milla wanted to throw a Christmas party in June - and Bobby Zilch decided to wreck it. Now it's up to Sasha Nein to avoid losing his sanity as he deals with it.


Sasha Nein was boiling.

In more ways than one, really. For one thing, the thick green sweater that he wore over his suit jacket was not in season for the summer heat which permeated his office. For another, the fact that he was wearing the sweater as he dealt with a camp discipline problem was nothing short of humiliating. Across the desk which bore a single manila folder, Bobby Zilch sat in a rickety wooden chair, wearing several burn marks and an incredibly smug grin that showed off all of his yellow, uneven teeth.

He had better things to do than lecture Bobby Zilch, but after all, "it's the spirit of things, darling! Give him a chance, show him you can be festive too!" He was supposed to give Zilch a talking-to about the events of the last two days, then wrap it up by forgiving him because of 'holiday spirit.'

 _It's June, Milla._

Exhaling through his nose, Sasha reached for the folder and flipped it open. Inside lay a collection of pictures and a neatly-typed document from Morry. Sasha ignored the words "DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE" which were stamped in large red letters at the bottom.

"Mr. Zilch." He started. "You know why we're here?"

Bobby smiled wider.

"Over the last two days, Miss Vodello has been working on rousing the camp into her 'Christmas in June' celebration. And you have done little but sabotage her efforts."

Sasha pulled at the tall neck of his sweater, struggling to keep focused on the task at hand. Wearing the garment was like lighting a fire in a sauna on the sun. How were the other two counselors not dying?

"On Monday, the first day of celebrations, you and Mr. Fideleo replaced the mess hall's Christmas tree ornaments with undergarments stolen from other campers' cabins."

"Hey, where is Benny, anyway?" Bobby asked. "Why ain't he gettin' scolded by the Grinch in sunglasses?"

"Because I only have patience for one of you." Sasha replied irritably under his breath, setting the photo of the panty and boxer-clad tree aside and picking up another photo. "Yesterday, you took the keys of Morry's jeep from the counselor's cabin, drove it directly in front of the latrine, and then hid the keys in one of twelve identical brown boxes – which were purchased for the purposes of wrapping – which you spread across the campgrounds, declaring it 'a scavenger hunt for your right to dump.' You do realize it took over two hours for the keys to be found."

"Was hoping it'd be longer, but dang if that circus boy doesn't move quick."

"Mr. Zilch, do you understand the severity of these actions?"

Bobby grinned again, leaning back in his seat and propping his feet up on the desk. Sasha impassively swiped them away from the wooden surface with telekinesis. "What's the big deal?" He answered with a grating self-satisfaction. "Milla's been telling us to 'be jolly about holiday spirit' and stuff, so why not celebrate in my own way? I don't think you appreciate how long it took to wrap an' hide those boxes."

Sasha cocked an eyebrow behind his sunglasses, lips pursing slightly. He placed the second photo aside. "And finally, just today, you entered the mess hall kitchen while Chef Cruller was away and set the turkey – and part of the kitchen – on fire."

"Ain't it that big wrinkle's fault for having a dial that shoots out fire?"

"Chef Cruller's utilities are his to maintain and operate, Mr. Zilch, you have no say – "

"All I'm sayin' is maybe he should pay more attention, an' then people wouldn't be settin' fire to the kitchen."

"You ruined the turkey that he was preparing – "

"There are other turkeys! Like one burnt bird matters worth piss."

 _Other turkeys._

Sasha fixed Bobby with a look that was wavering in the heat but unflinching nonetheless. An idea was forming in his head. Sensing the quiet, Bobby turned to him irritably. "What? Ain't a fan of _piss_?" the boy snapped.

"Not at all, Mr. Zilch. I was just thinking about it, and you're right. There ARE other turkeys." Sasha replied smoothly, lifting a hand to his glasses and nudging them up slightly. "And since you seem so satisfied with the result of your first endeavor, I'm sure you'd be more than happy to help Chef Cruller with the other turkeys – he's been asking for a chef's assistant, and there's plenty of time before our Christmas in June."

"Yer crazy, I'm not gonna – "

"And on top of that, the tree needs redecorating and we will require an expert hand such as yours for that." The agent went on, ignoring Bobby's spluttering was increasing in volume. "And as your scavenger hunt proved, you know your way around wrapping paper. So it can be your duty to help Agent Vodello with the gift-wrapping."

Bobby gaped at him like he'd suddenly grown a third eye. "And why the hell would I do that?" the bully demanded.

"Well, I have two options in front of me." Sasha answered, putting his fingers together into a pyramid shape. "The first option is to send you home for the summer. Not only vandalism, but destruction of property and causing a danger to the other campers. A bit further than your normal pranks. And the other option is to have you, in some way, show that you regret your actions, which would ease my own mind and every other campers' moving forward."

Bobby was watching him with his beady eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"Of course, if you don't want to help with the festivities, that's your decision." The agent continued. "But there's no other way I can think of – oh! Unless you'd like to write 500 word apology letters to Agent Vodello, Coach Oleander, Chef Cruller, _and_ the campers to tell them how sorry you are."

"Yer crazy."

"Yes, Mr. Zilch, I think I am crazy." Sasha smiled. "I may have a bit of heatstroke right now. So I suggest you take the offer I'm giving you while I still have a shred of sanity to do so."

Desperation mounting, Bobby looked around the office, then back to Sasha looking for some way out. The whole time, the smile on Sasha's face was growing wider and wider.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Zilch.

 _ **EVIDENCE OF GUILT:  
One (1) picture of a Christmas tree covered in various panties, briefs, boxers, and a single set of speedos. Mikhail and Phoebe are aiding Milla in taking the impromptu ornaments down.**_

 _ **One (1) picture of Morry, Bobby and Mikhail standing in front of a jeep which has been parked in front of the outhouse. Morry has Bobby in a headlock and is simultaneously grabbing at Mikhail to keep him from levitating the jeep away from the latrine. Benny is off to the side, cheering Bobby on.**_

 _ **Three (3) boxes from 'the scavenger hunt for your right to dump,' two of which contained squirrel feces, one of which contained a dead fish.**_

 _ **One (1) picture of Phoebe standing proudly with a "junior firefighter" certificate signed by Milla.**_

 _ **One (1) report from Coach Oleander, demanding Bobby Zilch be DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED!**_

 _ **One (1) regrettably burned turkey with one of the legs missing. Turkey was recovered from an irate Chef Cruller who was attempting to force-feed it to Bobby, saying "if he gon' burn it, he gon' eat it!"**_

 _ **One (1) picture of Chef Cruller. The quality is poor as Chef Cruller is attempting to punch the camera.**_

 _ **Three (3) pictures of Bobby Zilch participating in the holiday preparations. The third photo has Benny Fideleo in the background, holding a crudely written picket sign reading "BOSS NO DON'T".**_

 _ **One (1) letter written in Bobby Zilch's handwriting. It contains only the words "I am very very," followed by a ferocious scribbling that tore the paper.**_


End file.
